Song Challenge Mega-post III

I can see where I’m going to be
When the reaper he reaches and touches my hand

This was the pause after a sentence, when the thought is rendered complete. This was the silence after a sweeping crescendo, when he unknowingly released the breath he didn’t know he had held. It might have been a moment of uncertainty—was there more to the story, was this the end to the symphony? But he knew, fiercely prayed, none would come after. This was the end he’d arranged himself.

On this bed made for two but where only one rested, in this room bathed in a lonely shade of blue, in this two-story house that had once been home—this was where he’d be, solitary, his company only distant memories, when death comes not uninvited.

A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust

His hands, slightly trembling, clutched the morning paper more forcefully. On the surface, he looked unruffled; he gave no indication to recognizing her presence in the room as she’d crossed the kitchen to the fridge and arranged breakfast on the counter. She hadn’t addressed him either.

What was there to talk about? I’m sorry, I hurt you. I won’t do it again. Let me make it up to you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you, I’m sorry. —No, there was nothing to talk about; they both knew, their promises, their words were made of lies.

We’re gonna run, nothing can stop us
Even the night that falls around us

It wasn’t the first time the idea seized her: she had to run. But the first few times, she’d shrugged them off as wishful thinking, and willed herself to be braver, stronger. In the night she prayed that with the next sunrise would dawn a rekindled relationship. She knew it wouldn’t happen, not by a long shot, but she’d still hoped.

Until it got steadily worse, she was drowning in the cynicism: she had to run. And she did.

Happiness hit her like a train on a trail
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back

She was free.
Then she was happy.

(She was free first—but then she wasn’t happy. With her first taste of freedom in a long time, she thought she didn’t want it. It wasn’t her rightful place. She was supposed to be with him whom she had loved once, and was trying to love again. Perhaps she had still fallen short in her efforts to salvage their relationship. She was a coward; she should not have run—

No, she was free and very happy. It just struck her, out of nowhere. No, she wasn’t a coward, far from it. This had been what she’d always wanted since their relationship went downhill. But she deprived herself of her freedom, and happiness, holding on to what was not worth her hardship and tears. She deserved this.)

Without you I’ll be miserable at best

He was free.
Then he was unhappy.

(He was free first and he wasn’t happy—but truth be told, he was somewhat relieved. With his first taste of freedom in a long time, he thought about damn time. They were both miserable with each other, and then she ran, she gave him an easy way out.

No, he was free, and it struck him suddenly that he was unhappy. How damn miserable he was. He should have done better, known better, been better—

Because he loved her. He loved her then when he first met her. He loved her now, when she’s no longer there.

How fucking miserable he was.)

Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this café

On the mantelpiece was a framed picture of a woman. With long hair, and kind smile, she had her eyebrow raised high on her face, as if in question. She looked skeptical, but she’d smiled all the same. The combination made her seem haughty and feisty.

On the back, it said—
Sundance Café,
June 27, 1998

He took the photo for a project in one of his university courses. It was the first photo he shot with his fresh roll of film. He hadn’t meant to start with his project an hour after it was given, yet when he entered the small, homey café, he knew. When he spotted the pretty lady-stranger with her nose buried deep in schoolwork sitting in the far corner of the room, he absolutely had to. She agreed when he asked, and although she was still doubtful it was really for school, she smiled her warmest smile.

The fateful photo ended up on the mantelpiece and not in his project anyway.

Blinds of the evils you give them no side
Focus on floatin’, your focus is tight

He held the photo in his hand, carefully, almost reverently, as if it would reveal a miracle. And surely in his mind, it was the picture of paradise, where there was only happiness and no hurt, only forever and no endings, only her and none of their bitterness. There was his angel, beckoning him to her side.

Tama ang hinala mo

“And you promised you’d never make me cry, but you lied.”

It was how she ended one of their more quiet arguments when he couldn’t think of a reply before she walked out. Truthfully, he knew she was right, and it stung infinitely worse being reproached in a somber tone as he was. It was as if she’d accepted it as a definite truth.

Wag mo nang itanong sa akin
At di ko rin naman iisipin

He wished she wouldn’t call on him now (or ever) and subsequently learn of what he’d done. He was quite sure she’d never forgive, even the mere memory of him. He’d never quite know what to do, should she hate his memory, more than she did now. Even beyond, he knew he’d still be devastated.

Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me

As a kid, he enjoyed flying kites. Mostly when the day was windy, he would run outside, armed with colorful kite he’d made shortly after losing his last one. On his first time, while he was out flying his kite, the weather grew steadily nasty and the harmless winds that buoyed his kite turned to gales that ripped the string, and broke the kite. He wanted to grieve; he, with the help of his dad, had worked on that kite a long time, but it took a single strong gust of wind to tear it down!

In the end, his dad hushed him up, and together they made a new one. He’d fly it another day, the next time it became windy.

He flew a kite again the day he decided to die. It was his last kite. And when the weather turned for the worse, he realized he’d never make another kite again—too bad. He once thought he’d also teach his child the art of flying kites, but that was in a future he’d never live out.

He let go of the kite.

I am not a church going man,
But father please won’t you hear my confession.

In whole, it wasn’t a very fulfilling life. He had so many regrets. So many people to apologize to. So many things to apologize for. So many things he’d live undone. But he was a coward, he could not go on. And he was sorry.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?

Hi. I was her friend on earth. We’d known each other for a long time. Back before she knew you, even. We lost touch, however, by the time you were together. She was so into you, did you know? We never even got to hang out during those times anymore. It was always maybe, I’d go, but I’m pretty busy, sorry, I’ll try when we asked her. Sometimes, we understood, sometimes we didn’t. But I’d reconnected with her after you’d gone. You hurt her pretty bad, you know? And I hated you for it.

But when she knew that stupid, stupid thing you did… I just hoped you weren’t so stupid. You wound her up even more. And to ask me now, how she is, if she ever thought of you, that’s just selfish. But the sad thing is, she’s still hurting, no thanks to you.

/
Songs used, in order from the 30 Day Song Challenge

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio : Wake up - Arcade Fire
day 19 - a song from your favorite album : Runaway - Linkin Park
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry : Not Gonna Get Us - TATU
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy : The Dog Days are Over - Florence + the Machines
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad : Miserable at Best
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding : Marry Me - Train
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral : Heaven at Night - Kid Cudi
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh : Labsung - Parokya ni Edgar
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument : Wag mo nang Itanong - Eraserheads
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play : Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty : Serious Mistake - Plain White T's
day 29 - a song from your childhood : We got Power (Dragonball Z OP) [not used]
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year : Need You now - Lady Antebellum

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Just a little note: I am not depressed, if you thought I was because of what I wrote. I'm probably just not creative enough to think of another plot to bind the different lyrics together. So, please do not over-react.

Just a little quote, so you'd know what I think about what I wrote:

I explain to such a person that patients have repeatedly told me how happy they were that the suicide attempt had not been successful; weeks, months, years later, they told me, it turned out that there was a solution to their problem, an answer to their question, a meaning to their life. “Even if things only take such a good turn in one of a thousand cases,” my explanation continues, “who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later?”

- A Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl